#this is me calmed down a Xanax and several hours later btw

[hairenya]

One of my colleagues and I are fighting (because she’s a bitch) and she framed it as wanting to be concerned with my teaching abilities which is hilarious because the student body absolutely adores me and hates her. Like motherfucker I am the Princess Diana of this middle school I will end your entire existence do not fuck with me.

[jessicaxnicole]

November 15, 2012

I have wanted to write about this night since it happened, but yet here I am, almost 5 years later trying to figure out where to even begin. To protect myself from purging my emotions all at once, I have had to write this bit by bit. I haven’t allowed myself to think deeply about that night, let alone write about every detail. Part of me feels like I have put it off for so long because in a way, once I write it, reality will painfully set in even more. Another part of me feels like once I let it all out, I will finally get rid of this anchor sitting on my chest. I guess I will find out as I type and at this moment, i’m at a loss for words.

Something about that day, from the moment I woke up, didn’t feel right.. I should have been ecstatic because I was just getting ready to sign a lease for a beautiful townhouse with my friend but everything about the day just felt eery. The weather, my mood, everything just felt gray and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was causing me to feel this way. Driving home, I called my mom briefly and talked to her about the plans for the townhouse. At the time, I was already dealing with depression and happened to be seeing a counselor the following day in harrisonburg. So it made sense to also finalize everything with the townhouse since it was right down the road. Mom and I had a whole day planned out - go to my appointment, finalize the lease, and then a chipotle date since mom had never been. I was so excited because we never got to spend this kind of time together due to her job. Little did I know that my world was about to be completely rocked in a matter of 8 hours. The oncoming hours, are moments that I will always regret for the rest of my life. I felt depressed and all I wanted to do was get in bed and sulk in my emotions. At the time, I was taking Xanax (something I personally don’t recommend) because I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about everything. Mom had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to start her nightly ritual - cook me something for dinner, finish her charting from patients she saw that day, and watch a movie. She came upstairs to say hello and love on me per usual but I just pushed her away. I told her I just wanted another xanax so I could go to sleep. She tried cuddling up to me and again, I was just cold and distant. After a few minutes she got up and told me to come downstairs to watch a movie if I wanted, then left my room. If only I knew that was the last time I would get to talk to my mom, cuddle with her, see her beaming smile, and feel her unconditional love, I would have done it all so differently. But thats the shitty thing about life, you take for granted the most important moments and then its too late.

Mom went downstairs to finish her charting and a few minutes later my boyfriend at the time arrived and came upstairs to my room. One of the first things he said to me was that my mom was acting strange and didn’t speak to him much which was the complete opposite from her normal loving self. I didn’t really think much of it at the time because I literally just saw her moments before, so I completely ignored it.

The following events are honestly somewhat of a blur so bare with me if there are little gaps. I don’t know how to explain where my brain went during everything. I just know it all happened so quickly and oddly at the same time it was like I was watching my entire world fall apart in slow motion. We were getting ready to leave when I heard a huge crash. It reminded me of the time my moms beautiful picture hung up in the kitchen came shattering down to the floor. The only difference between both times is that when I yelled for mom, I didn’t get a response this time. My heart immediately started racing and I bolted to go run downstairs. That’s when I got to the top of the stairs and saw her laying face down on our kitchen floor. Her phone was thrown half way across the room, there was glass everywhere from a drink she was holding, and then I saw blood start to appear. I just remember screaming “MOM” and running down the steps. By the time I got to the bottom of the steps, there was a pool of blood filling so quickly and at the time, I didn’t even realize where it was coming from or what had happened. I started shaking her gently to see if she would wake up and again, no response. Her breathing was so strange, I still to this day can’t describe it. I started screaming at my boyfriend to find my phone and call 911 and of course, for whatever reason, my phone would not connect to 911. We finally were able to call on his phone and within minutes a cop was at my house. I just remember running outside screaming at the cop. I don’t even recollect what i was saying, I just know she kept telling me to calm down and tell her what happened while she followed me inside. As soon as she saw my mom she immediately began asking me if my mom was on blood thinners and a number of questions. Dad was not home but I had already called him at this point and then began calling everyone else I could think of that needed to know. The next few moments are honestly a complete blur to me, I just know my dad and the ambulance arrived at the same time. There was so many people, so many flashing lights and sirens, so many questions projected at me, all at once. I overheard one medic say they wanted to try to land Pegasus in our back yard, heard another say her eyes showed signs of a stroke. The next thing I know they’re landing the helicopter on 262 and mom was being flown to UVA.

As we’re in the car on the way to the hospital, I honestly thought she was going to be fine. I don’t know why I thought that considering the state she was in. When we arrived, we were immediately escorted into a “family room” and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. I remember thinking why aren’t we being taken to her room? Where is my mom at? What the f*** is going on? The room just felt cold, not as in temperature cold, but the feeling it gave. It was just plain, with tissues on every single table. Nothing about that room gave me a good feeling and all I wanted was to get out and find my mother immediately.

That’s when the doctor walked in…I could tell by the pained look on his face that something really was not right. He then sat down next to dad and I and began telling us that mom must have had a fall that caused severe, irreversible brain trauma and that there was nothing they could do for her. I don’t remember anyone else’s reaction in the room and honestly its probably better that way. I do recall practically attacking him with so many crazy, ridiculous questions like i was some doctor. Honestly I wish I could apologize for some of the stupid shit I said but in those moments I had no control over my reactions. For instance, I asked him if they could drill a hole in her head to relieve pressure/blood but then he had to explain just how severe the trauma was, and how drilling a hole would only make it worse. My dumb self even began to ask if he could do a transplant but then thats when common sense kicked in and I realized how stupid I sounded and shut up (and btw, of course I know you cannot do that).

Part of my brain completely shut off any memory of what happened when they took us to her room. The parts I do recall are just of me running frantically back and forth between her room and the hallway. I couldn’t handle seeing her like that so I’d bolt out the room, just to turn right around and come back because I didn’t want to leave her side. Mom was always the one taking care of us, so knowing I couldn’t do a damn thing to help her was and is still the most helpless feelings in the world.

The doctors began talking about the decisions and plans we needed to make because time was a factor. If we wanted to donate her organs, we would need to pull her off life support within the next few hours. If we didn’t want to donate, we could keep her on life support but that was the only thing keeping her alive. My mom never wanted to live life if she couldn’t do what she loved and help everyone around her. Like I mentioned before, she was always the one providing care, and she never wanted anyone to have to care for her. To be on life support and have everyone taking care of her was something she did not want. Her and dad apparently had a conversation about if something were to happen and he ultimately made the decision to honor her wish by choosing to donate her organs. She without a doubt was the most selfless human beings I have ever met and I’m so glad I could help chose to let her “give back” one last time by donating.

The following day, November 16, 2012, was when she was officially pronounced dead. For me though, I will always consider the 15th the day she really left us. Dad and I were already home during the time she passed and we believe she decided to give us one last “goodbye”. Dad was downstairs when he heard someone open and close the door to let my dog in. When he went in the living room to see who it was, no one was there. I, at the time, was trying to sleep and drown out everything that just occurred when I had the strangest dream. I dreamt dad and I were standing in some field, talking to mom, except we couldn’t physically see her. I just remember her saying “I’m okay honey, I love you so much”  over and over. The harsh reality of course would set in the moment I woke up.

To this day, we do not know what made her fall the way she did. She was only on the second step heading upstairs when she fell. The doctors say that she practically did a head dive into the floor and more than likely she had suffered from an aneurysm or a stroke before the fall. Unfortunately, we will never know exactly what happened because the autopsy wasn’t able to determine due to the severity of brain damage. Except, I know for a fact that if my mom was conscious or able, she would have attempted to catch herself. That is something I am still trying to find peace in.

To say the past 5 years have been hard, would be an understatement. Although, I can honestly say I am finally happy with where I am in life now. Everyday I try to remind myself of what my mom would want and how I can strive to be just like her. She would want me to be happy and successful in whatever I am passionate about. It may have taken going to hell and back but again, I am finally where I need to be in life and that is all that matters. I still have a ways to go and more growing to do but honestly, I am proud of how far I have come. Everything I do is for you, Mom.